1978 to 1988 – Breisgau, The Rhineland, and the first step into adult life
After the years in North Frisia, my family moved to Freiburg/Breisgau, and I felt like a badly transplanted tree. In the little over 2½ years in Freiburg, I was able towards the end to settle in, albeit with difficulty. More and more I got involved with photography and depicted the world as I saw it in photos. Even though school did not give me any pleasure and I had hardly any interest of my own in any subject, it became more and more a purpose for me to postpone the start of a job or an apprenticeship into the future. Also, by achieving good grades, I began to create a certain raison d’être for myself in my own mind, for my parents, and for society. I was able to continue this for two more years when my family had to move again, this time to the Rhineland. There I made the specialized high school diploma in economics. After moving away from Freiburg, however, I was never again really at home anywhere.
The seriousness of life hit me with full force when I had to remain alone in the Rhineland after graduating from school at the age of 19 to complete my training as an industrial business man. My family moved once again to North Frisia, and from there I took the train back to the Rhineland alone at the end of the summer vacations to start my training there, living in my own room.
After just a few days, I went to my training manager and handed in my notice. I had gotten myself a rental car (due to my age, I was only given a VW Beetle) and wanted to drive back to my family with it and all my belongings that I could fit in it. Acquaintances who heard of my plan told my parents about it, and, shocked, they visited me the next weekend and dissuaded me from my plan. It was agreed that I could come home for a long weekend every 3 weeks, and so I got through the 1¾ years of training. Here, too, I managed to graduate quite successful.
Thus, to the outside world, my neat grades gave the impression that I fit into society to a certain extent. Inside, however, things looked quite different. After my 15-month military service, I took up a position as a controller in the company where I had been trained. I was lucky enough to meet a boss there who became my mentor, who taught me a lot and respected me in all my limitations. During this time, my parents moved back to the Rhineland and I was able to live at home again. However, since it was clear that the moment when I would have to leave my parents’ house permanently was getting closer and closer, I began to feel anxious, which expressed itself for 2 years in a row in several deep depressions that lasted for months. I hardly ate anything, and outside of my work I lived completely withdrawn in my room. My parents apparently did not notice my condition.
I had no self-esteem worth mentioning beyond my good grades, and I could not imagine being able to exist in the world outside the parental home.